


Stay alive for me

by Ashyface



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Tags Contain Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-09
Updated: 2019-08-09
Packaged: 2020-08-13 18:21:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20178676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashyface/pseuds/Ashyface
Summary: "You need to stay alive for me, please."**Dan finds something of Phil's





	Stay alive for me

"You're fucking disgusting, you know that? I never realised until now. I mean, look at you. You're so fucking gross. You're fat, and oh my god, your face makes me want to puke. You should just do society a favor and kill yourself." I can never make out what he looks like, but I feel every word like a burning hot knife in my stomach. "I mean, with your fatty thighs and stomach, it's no surprise that no one wants you. And you're so fucking lazy and worthless." I pulled down my jacket, trying to hide all of my flaws that I was suddenly so aware of again. "Depression? Hah! More like an excuse to be a lazy piece of shit! You just beg for attention, don't you? You're so pathetic. You're stupid and afraid of everything! You flinch when people yell! How do you ever expect to be normal when you can't even be in the dark without freaking out? You can't do anything right, you worthless bitch." All of my flaws were suddenly so apparent, and they were all hitting me at once, each one an individual blow until I was reduced to nothing but a scared child curled into a ball to try to protect myself.

I tried to remind myself of all the positivity and kindness my friends told me all the time, trying to get me to believe them. But they were just words, and I couldn't get how anyone thought they applied to me. 'Valuable' 'Special' 'Kind' 'attractive' 'worth something' 'amazing' 'unique' 'loved'. I couldn't see how these could ever apply to me. They were just empty words that I thought I had believed.

This will never go away. I'm going to drown in this darkness, this nothing where I won't be able to crawl out of. I'm being dragged in again, and I can't find any strength to fight back, it's like a drug, making me compliant and willing to be dragged back into a hole it took me years to crawl out of. I was trying my hardest, but it didn't feel like it was helping any. 

I was scared of falling back in as soon as I looked down into it and remembered what it felt like to be down there. I struggled more, trying to fight my way out of it even harder, not letting myself look back to see how far away I was. But I didn't need to to know it was right behind me, waiting for me to look back again. To remember all of my flaws again. 

And the cycle repeats. It will never end. Nothing helps. It's just emptiness, and I could remember the lengths I went to to feel ANYTHING. Even if it was pain. 

Those were my darkest times. My worst fear is falling back into this hole. This endless darkness where you feel pain, and emptiness at the same time. You're reminded of everything wrong with you, every little negative word anyone's said to you, and you believe them over again. 

And that, is depression, my friends. Sometimes it's okay, and you feel nothing. Sometimes you feel so much pain, that you'd do anything to make it stop. Including cutting your wrists open, just to make sure you can still feel something. That you are still here. Sometimes it's to ground yourself. But once you get started down that path, you can't turn back. 

It's an addiction, a craving to slice open your own skin. To watch it bleed and scab over. I liked to watch it scar, the pale pink lines are still scattered all over my arms and my thighs. You feel the pull. You don't even have to be at your worst to do it, it's use an urge, like any addiction. The more you do it, the stronger the urges. The deeper you cut, the deeper the cut is next time. 

It's hard to think of yourself as beautiful when you see how many scars you have. And how you created most of them with a blade. No always, though. Sometimes I used my nails and clawed at my skin until it was numb. Sometimes I had let myself starve, not eating to punish myself for being like this. 

I still have urges sometimes. But no one knows. 

Nobody know any of this. 

No one knows my fears, or the dark hole that I can feel closing in. No one knows how anxious and afraid I get. Nobody knows.

And no one will ever know. 

I stretched, leaning away from my laptop, I smelled something foul coming from under my arms, and I gagged. It's time for a shower before I go to bed. Writing had always helped me cope, it felt like I actually had someone to talk to. Like I could just create a character that helps me through this. Any character I create would understand me entirely. Instead of not believing me or misinterpreting my meaning. 

Dan just thinks I used to have self esteem issues. And I did, I still do actually, but that's only the tip of the iceberg. Not that Dan needs to know. He sees me as a human ray of sunshine. A happy, energetic nerd. 

And I feel like that's not me, but I also know that it used to be. Before I became whoever I am right now. Someone on the brink of falling into nothing.

I sighed, feeling like I'm being more overly dramatic than usual as I got my stuff ready to hop in the shower. I closed my door as I headed to the bathroom. I called to Dan to tell him what I was doing and shut the bathroom door before I heard his reply. I rinsed off quickly, using soap and such, and got out. I turned my back on the mirror, not wanting to see my flaws any more than I have to as I got dressed in my pyjamas. 

I left the bathroom, yawning quietly as I attempted to open my door while I was have asleep. My hand just pushed the door open, and I frowned. I could've sworn I latched it.

I move to close it behind me, when I froze. I looked back at my desk, where Dan was bent over my computer, reading what I had just been typing. Where I had poured out all of my personal thoughts. I gaped, my mouth opening and closing mindlessly as I floundered for words.

Dan's my best friend, it didn't mean I wanted him to read my most personal thoughts. I felt angry, and hurt.

"Having a good long read, Daniel?" I said harshly. Dan jumped, spinning as he realised instantly who it was and what he had been doing. He knew I was furious. I never called him by his full name.

"Ph-Phil, I'm-I'm sorry. I just-is...is this how you feel...all the time?" I felt my anger fade when I saw Dan had started crying. 

"Dan? It's okay." I pulled Dan into my arms, and my breath hitched when Dan wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his face in my neck. I could feel his tears hit my skin, and his shallow breaths fan acrossed my skin.

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to feel like that. And I-I never noticed, and you needed me, I'm so sorry, Phil. I'm going to help you get better, okay? You can't...you can't think all of that crap about yourself. You aren't allowed to." He tightened his grip on me, and I did the same in return.

"You can't just fix everything wrong with me, Dan." No matter how bad I know you want to.

"You've always been the optimist, what happened to that? You'll get better, okay? Just remember that you'll get better. Stay alive for me."

"I can't, Dan." He pulled away, his face so close to mine. I felt myself crying as the familiar pain finally made me fall into emptiness.

"Why not, Phil? You need to stay alive for me, please." I clutched his arms tighter, not wanting to let go.

"Because you didn't stay alive for me." I whispered, crying again as he was suddenly not in my arms anymore.

And I fell onto my bed, crying. 

"Why did you leave me, Dan?" I felt nothing but pain as I remembered the cold body of my best friend on the bathroom floor, covered in blood with his wrists mangled. 

Suicide kills two people everytime.

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember that someone will miss you, even if you don't feel like it. Find a reason to keep going, however small. I believe in you, and so does everyone else.


End file.
